Elevator Pitch! Opinions Please

[Brett Hollis]

Okay, so after taking in and applying the comments from Sara about elevator pitching (think short buildings!) I have come up with this.

I won't babble on about the background to the business venture, and I won't include the company name as yet (I'll call it NBV - New Business Venture), as it should explain itself! Lets see what people think.

I really welcome your constructive criticism, thoughts and comments. Go on, I can take it :)


We are dedicated to helping home and small business users get the most out of their computers. We provide a fast, one-to-one, personal and above all reliable service.

We offer a cost effective way to solve all of your IT and computer related problems. Our knowledgeable staff loves a challenge; we come to you at home or at work, at a time that suits you, administering first aid to your computer or even your home entertainment system. We operate a no-fix no-fee policy and we don’t charge call out fees.

If you have computer problems big or small call us now!

NBV – we fix computers.


That's it! I tried to encapsulate the core values, the core servoce, and keep it sweet.

[Brett Hollis]

Hmm, interesting thoughts, and very poignant.

I also am now not sure about 'We fix computers' now. I kinda think that 'We solve computer problems' may be a little too long winded. I like the 3 word approach, maybe 4 isn't too bad.

How about 'Computer problems solved'? Hrm, nah, maybe not.

Argh!

[Kelvin Jones]

@Brett - I think this pitch is much better. Personally I don't mind the strapline. It's never going to some up everything you do, however it gives you a damn good idea right from the outset.

@David - Nice quote.

I used to DJ a lot a few years back, before my little boy was born. One issue DJs face is going to the record shop, buying a whole bag full of tunes, and in the cold light of day being left with a bunch of records that you'll likely never play again.

There's a great bit of advice in a book called How to DJ (Properly) that says that in order to have a top quality record collection, you must ditch 50% of your chosen records before you hit the checkout... this really makes you think twice about what you buy.

That was a little long winded, but the same advice can be applied in many situations.

Waffle, waffle, waffle.

[David Braziel]

Kelvin - you know its good advice when it crops up all over the place.

I do some creative writing in my (non existent) spare time - and theres a saying amongst poets that a poem isn't finished when there is nothing more to add - its finished when there is nothing left to take away. Ive also heard it expressed as: editing a piece of writing is the process of taking words away until the point where the writing breaks - then put that last piece back and its finished.

[Brett Hollis]

Hey hey K,

I used to (and still) DJ, been doing it now for 15 years. This isn't really a SBP note, but if you're into prog house (think Sasha/Diggers) I can drop you a CD :) I don't play clubs any more but I still love my 1210's and more recently CDJ1000 MK2's :)

And hey, if you fancy check out the podcasts on streetlifedjs.net These guys are going to be HUGE!

[Alex Bellinger]

Thanks for the tip off on the streetlifedjs.net - looking forward to listening.

[Kelvin Jones]

Cheers Brett.

I'm downloading the podcast now. I've always been a drum n bass/uk garage/trip hoppy kinda guy. In the last few years though, as I mellow I 'spose, I've been getting more into funky & soulful house... so let's see what these guys are like.

I officially ceased being a DJ only 2 months ago. After sitting in my attic for the last 5 years, I decided to free up some space and sell my tunes. It was a painful experience, but I was actually coming to terms with reality... at least that's was my shrink says! :)

[Allen O'Leary]

Hi Brett

Good on you for putting up your pitch.

For my money there is no pain or need in here - what is the customer pain that you are helping to alliviate? And also to my ear the pitch starts here: "we come to you at home or at work, at a time that suits you, administering first aid to your computer or even your home entertainment system" thats the first bit that goes beyond bland description. And the 'we fix computers' sounds like the 'does what it says on the tin' branding but that's not really what you are offering is it? This is a service not a product.

At a guess I'd say the real painful things for most are: wireless networking, cabling nightmares. To spice it all up you could do the 'question thing':

Wireless worries? Undiagnosed laptop illness? TV tied up in cables?

A bit cliched perhaps, move over to the statement thing:

"Wireless worries gone. Laptop illness diagnosed. Cable nightmares are over.
We come to you at home or at work, at a time that suits you, administering first aid to your computer or your home entertainment system."

Not wonderful but at least there is a problem with a solution and a service offer.

Cheers, Al

PS I have no pitching experience at all in business, but plenty in creative industries :-)

[Brett Hollis]

That's great thanks Al. You're right on the money, especially what you say about the service Vs product verb.

I like your ideas about to problem solving angle also. This can be translated in to the marketing angles also.

Revised version coming up :)

[Brett Hollis]

Perfecting the pitch....

I'm liking the sound of this MUCH more now, thanks for all yuor feedback. What do you think?


We are dedicated to helping home and small business users get the most out of their computers. We provide a fast, one-to-one, personal and above all, reliable service.

We come to you at home or at work, at a time that suits you, administering first aid to your computer and home entertainment systems.

Viruses zapped, wireless worries gone, laptop illnesses diagnosed, cabling problems cured. We deliver a cost effective way to solve all of your IT and computer related problems. We offer a no-fix, no-fee policy and there are no hidden or call out charges.

Since 95 we’ve been helping people from our grandparents to the local butcher to Adobe to Xerox with their computer problems.

NBV – Computer problems cured!


I changed the experience thing, wasn't sure whether to omit it altogether as it sounds slightly disjointed and interrupts the flow...

[Madelaine Kirke]

I feel that your pitch is just a bit techie and non-specific. After all, your prospective customer is the computer equivalent of the car driver who knows where the petrol goes and nothing else.
What about this?

Is your computer giving you trouble? We can come to your home or office and solve both hardware and software problems at a realistic price.

Do you dread the prospect of loading new software or connecting up the new hardware? We can solve that one too.

New network? New Internet connection? Or just a machine that seems sluggish? All these are right up our street. With a no fix no fee policy, what have you got to lose?


(78 words)

[Glenn Watson]

34 seconds is a wee bit too long - try for between 16 and 25 seconds.

Most peoples attention span is for about 2-3 sentences - after which they start to process the information and read their own interpretation into it.

The basis is there though

[Ed Stivala]

Hi Brett,

I think you are probably awash with helpful feedback by now :-) But for my 2p worth, I like what you have come up with. I read it and quickly understood when I would call you. To me that is pretty much the main job of an elevator pitch.

If you did want to take this on a bit further, something that you might consider is to re-write it using 'the point of YOU' approach. The current pitch is written using the expression WE and US a lot. You could easily change it use YOU and YOUR much more. You might find that the message connects much more strongly if you did that. Try to use YOU three times more often than WE or I :-)

Hope that makes sense, if not drop me an email to [e-mail] and I will try and explain further or even draft an example for you.

All the best

Ed

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